I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
