I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
