I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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