I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
