i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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