I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think i got beer on your cat.
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