I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
