I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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