I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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