I wish I only lived at night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
