well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
