If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I still have a little drunk in my system
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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