These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
