I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
