maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
