I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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