Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize