Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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