i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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