I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
