I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
