Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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