Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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