This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
