I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize