In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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