Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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