the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
