So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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