This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
