Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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