somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
