Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
NoShamevember. You game?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
