I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
