ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
