a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
