i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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