I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
