I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
