dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
