He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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