my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
