at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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