Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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