It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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