Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
