So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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