I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
