Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just invented taco cereal.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
