He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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