Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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