just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
