That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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