I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize