Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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