i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
