Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
