so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
