My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
