So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
